At the age of 16, I had made one of those life-changing decisions that affected much of my life. I chose to have an abortion. That decision was not one I wanted, but one I felt I could not escape. The father was five years older than I was, an abusive predator. When he found out I was pregnant, he kicked my stomach repeatedly to try to get me to miscarry and when I didn’t he told me I would have an abortion. I agreed in fear he would kill me if I didn’t. I now know he had to get rid of the evidence that would put him in jail for statutory rape. He stole everything from me – my innocence and my childhood.
The day he dropped me off at the doors of that abortion clinic, I knew I was making a horrible mistake. The most vivid thing I remember is the black trash bag taking away the pieces of my baby. That day, I too chose to live the rest of my life as trash. I became an alcoholic and went from man to man giving my body away to anyone who would have me. I was filled with rage and self-loathing.
I accepted the Lord Jesus as my Savior in 1986, and though I accepted His gracious forgiveness for all my sins, I refused to believe He could forgive me for the murder of my child.
I married an abusive man and stayed 20 years. I felt I deserved no better. I had five beautiful children and became a super Mom. I wanted to prove I could be an incredible mom to my living children since I had failed my first one so miserably. I finally divorced when his abuse turned toward our youngest child.
I met and dated a godly, wonderful man, Dan, a couple of years later, and it was through him that I started to feel God’s grace in my life. We got married and with his gentle prodding I attended an abortion recovery Bible Study in February of 2014. Through this study I learned of God’s forgiveness and grace for – yes – even my abortion. After a month, I finally let go of the pain, the guilt and the shame and now I can say I AM FREE of the condemnation and self-loathing.
My goal now is to lead other women, alongside with our Savior, to the freedom and hope waiting for them at the top of the mountain of pain and suffering. God has led my precious husband and me to start a ministry called Surrendered Hearts New Mexico to unite abortion recovery ministries and unite the women who suffer from that trauma. We must come together to make it clear that ABORTION IS NOT GOOD FOR WOMEN! There is forgiveness and grace waiting for all women—simply ask! God is waiting.