Amy Meyer Allen - Infidelity and Betrayal

After eight years of marriage, I filed for divorce. My husband's pornography addiction had led to an affair, then acting out with prostitutes. I was DONE. But God used a seemingly hopeless situation to bring us both into a real relationship with Jesus. He also redeemed our marriage. These are just some of the things I wish I had known or done when I first found out my husband was being unfaithful.

1. Don’t take the blame. You didn’t cause your husband to do this. There may be some things lacking on your part, but at the end of the day – he chose to sin against God. (James 1:13-15)

2. Don’t take it personally. He probably didn’t do this just to hurt you – he may be selfish or seeking to please himself. Get beyond your feelings of betrayal and don’t wallow in self-pity – it only makes it harder to get to the root issue. (1 Corinthians 13:4-8)

3. You must hold him responsible for his actions. Do not enable the behavior to continue, but seek to find out why it started in the first place, in a counseling or mentoring setting. If necessary, separate from him physically for while, until he takes ownership of his actions. (Ephesians 4:15)

4. Affirm your love for him. Tell him you love him and want to work through this together. Don’t threaten to divorce him; that only makes him want to hide the whole truth from you. (Romans 12:9-12)

5. Don’t shame him. We all have secret sins that need to be dealt with. Thank God that He brought this into the light so you can work on it together. Let your husband confess his sins to God and you. Only when he takes ownership of them, and repents can God change him. (1 John 1:8-9)

6. Do not become bitter or refuse to forgive. If your husband has asked for forgiveness, forgive him. This may not come immediately, but it must be dealt with quickly before bitterness, hatred or rage overtake you. Remember everything that God through Christ has forgiven you of. (Matthew 18:21-35)

7. Don’t try to retaliate or have a "pay-back" affair. It will only make matters worse and give him a reason (in his mind) to keep doing what he is doing. (Romans 12:17-21)

8. Get plugged into a women’s Bible study. There you can study the truth of God’s Word in-depth and apply it to your life. This is where you will gain your strength and the wisdom to move forward one step at a time. (Hebrews 4:12-13)

9. Pray for your husband. A great book to help you pray specifically for him is, “The Power of a Praying Wife” by Stormie O’Martian. This is one of the greatest things you can do to promote healing in your marriage. (James 5:16)

10. Be humble. Ask God and your husband if you have been disrespectful in any way. Your husband's greatest need is to feel respected by his wife. If he doesn’t, he may start to act in ways that make him feel respected or in control. A helpful book that explains the different needs of men and women is “Love and Respect” by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs. (Ephesians 5:33)

Remember: you can do all things through Christ who gives you strength! ~ Philippians 4:13